So how "am" I?

 It's been a while, and after a few of you asked on my last post I thought it was time for an update. It'll be a little personal and a little political, but it unfortunately won't have a story below it so read or skip this accordingly.

I wish I could give you another story, but I can't. This year has been so much, I'm hanging on by what sometimes feels like a few old threads. The company I've been working for collapsed, combination of its own failures and the covid downturn. I thankfully have saved enough that I'm weathering it alright, but I still don't have a replacement job or  even really a firm idea about what kind of employment I'd want to pursue next. I also have medical conditions that put me at very high risk of this disease and so I have been very limited in what I do while also having this grey cloud over me for a lot of the time. And then there's the election.

I don't know these are really excuses for why I'm not writing, I certainly have downtime, but I just have trouble staying focused or productive in that way. But as the last few years of updates without stories have shown, this isn't just a 2020 thing.

I can't remember if I've shared this or not, but I suffer from a mood disorder causing high levels of anxiety and depression. It's been with me most of my life, and since college when I really had a breakdown I've been trying different treatments and medications. Around 2014, I got on a new drug cocktail that kinda seemed to make a difference on average. However I've also looked back and noticed that 2014 is also around the time my story output began to drastically slow. I've often wondered if they were connected, but never enough to say so out loud to a doctor. But for nearly two years I've felt that either I'm numbing to the medication or my condition is getting worse. And that was before all the 2020 noise. Unemployment, global pandemic I'm at risk of, election, it's a lot.

So I'm hanging on, sometimes it feels like by a little, sometimes it feels like more. I'm trying to be kind to myself and forgiving of shortcomings because everyone right now is just doing their best. I hope you are all still in good health.

As for this damned beast called the election, in almost every state it is already started. As of me writing this, 9.1 million ballots have already been cast (you can follow updates here if you want). And even though one party openly refuses to honor the results, even as one party openly tries to tilt the rules in their favor, even as one party packs the court for the expressed purpose of possibly overturning the results, even as one party looks into using the electoral college to ignore the will of voters and cast their state electors for Trump regardless of results, by all available measurement they are losing. It is not reason to celebrate or assume it to be a done deal (mostly for the reasons I listed above). But Republicans haven't run against a white man since 2004, and they are struggling to figure out how their brand of identity politics and white male grievance can work against another white man.

And as much as I supported Warren in the primaries, and feel she would have made the best president, it's clear now Biden is the best candidate we could have picked. Someone seemingly moderate enough for the white suburbs (and somehow seniors?) to line up behind him over Trump. Someone coalitional enough that he adopted a platform written in equal parts by his people and Bernie's people, making it the most progressive platform any major party nominee has run on. AOC literally co-wrote his new climate plan. He's adopted parts of Warren's platform in full without alterations, including on the topic of bankruptcy where he was famously opposed to what she believed because he now admits he was wrong. Imagine, after the last four years, a politician who can admit when they were wrong and change accordingly. He has credibility with the black community without any of the social expectations an actual black candidate would face. And after 4 years of a heartless president, he is empathetic in a way we all need. The president isn't just the head of government they are the head of state, and that role requires that a president feel our pain. Obama during his 8 years gave more national addresses after a mass shooting than he had state dinners. 

He's also the first candidate in the history of modern primaries who moved away from the center after getting the nomination. Not only does that make his policies closer to my own, but it proves he is willing to move when there is pressure to do so. Lincoln didn't start a strict abolitionist, he was moved there. Johnson didn't start out supporting a Voting Rights Act, he was moved there. Biden can be moved if we move him. It's telling that the area he probably moved the most on has been the environment, the area with the most activist pressure. He's also moved on police reform, healthcare, college tuition and debt forgiveness, all the areas progressive activists care most about. He even moved to embrace the possibility of ending the filibuster and rebalancing the court, and if we can hold him to that we could end up with more progressive victories than any president since at least Johnson. So I don't care who you supported in the primary, I don't want to hear you aren't excited, not only is this election vital to the continuation of democracy but Biden is a fundamentally good person who is at his core a coalitionist who wants to find common ground. In 1974 he was rated at just a hair to the left of the median Democrat. In 2008 he was also rated as just a hair to the left of the median Democrat. As we move the party, he has shown he's willing to move with us. Not to the bleeding edge, but he will move. 

So to all you who are American, have a plan to vote, make sure your friends have a plan to vote. But don't just vote, volunteer. Phone and text contacting is even more important in a pandemic world where it's not safe to go door to door, and it means you don't have to be local. Donate if you can, there are several good Senate races that could flip that chamber (which is basically a prerequisite for any legislation anyone might want). Alaska, Kansas, North Carolina, two of them in Georgia, Arizona, Maine, South Carolina, even Texas and Mississippi are within the margin of error. There is a major effort in Texas to flip the state legislature, they are just 9 seats from a majority and whoever has a majority will draw the congressional map after this year's census. A fair map in Texas without gerrymandering would be the biggest win for small d democracy we could make at the state level.

As for me, I don't know what my future holds. I hope that the election goes smoothly enough I can get some decent sleep again. Really looking forward to next year when there should be an internationally verified working vaccine. As for stories, I don't know. As has been the problem for years I have ideas but can't make myself sit down and bring those ideas onto the page as easily as I once did. I don't know if that will change because I don't know what's causing it. But I appreciate you all for sticking with this as long as you have. You are all great.